I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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