We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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