i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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