i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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