i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We left the knife in your bed.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
