How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
