I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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