I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
