proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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