I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
