At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
