If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
