Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
