U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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