Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
