Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
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