dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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