Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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