we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
