do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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