im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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