I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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