This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
