i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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