Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I need a beard to bite.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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