There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
