based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i love accidental penises.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
