she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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