i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
