walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It's no shave November. This is our time.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
