i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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