Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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