if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
