I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
