So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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