You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Randomize
