I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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