He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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