Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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