Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize