last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
