3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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