Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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