my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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