Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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