i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
