just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
