I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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