I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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