chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
