failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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