Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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