Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
