u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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