my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
