One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
