I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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