I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
