Porn is love you can see.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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