I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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