smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
