Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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