i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize