I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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