I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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