put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize