I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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