My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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