Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
