Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
