One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My penis needs a shock collar
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
