Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
