but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
